Untitled

I search for words
That despite my futile efforts
Just don’t come.
Words to explain that you are gone.
Not from my heart, unfortunately.
But from my desires, from my wants.
The thought of you
With her
Again
Is almost a joke.
I like to laugh, but not at myself.
Has the desire for being needed
Burdened me?
Yes.
The desire to be wanted by you there.
Yes.
Why? A question, a statement.
A promise.
If you aren’t where I am supposed to be, then
Am I lost?
No.
The 23rd promise tells us that we are guided.
Sheep. We follow.
Cattle are driven.
It’s hard to follow.
To know not where we are being led.
To know that we shouldn’t want, because
We are given what we need when we need.
Follow.
Open heartedly.
Ready for something we couldn’t have imagined.
Burdened by years of trying to be a cattle prod, instead of
Feeling the rod and staff of protection.
Hurt that a friendship is damaged
By desire.
When it could have just been still.
Knowing that what we deserve is
One another’s best tomorrow, not
One another’s yesterdays.
Words, escape my mind and hands,
But not my mouth.
I’m sorry for wanting you, yes.
But never sorry for the love
I gave.
But was not returned.